Rock Crawling

I'm afraid, so very afraid.

I'm so far from home and I worry for people there and people here.

I'm so sorry. I didn't see it. It was raining heavily and I just didn't see it. I'm scared and I'll always be scared; continuously scared. Not for me but for you. People keep coming into our house asking for information and all I wanted to do was rip myself apart and screamed at them but all I did was question myself 

'How did they know?'

I'm so sorry it wasn't me who's in your place. I wish I was and every night I wanted it to be me because you did nothing but worry. Maybe no one will understand but I hope you do. I'm trying my best to keep it a secret but people seems to know and pictures of you are spreading like wildfire and I couldn't do anything to prevent it. It hurts even more when somehow the person I thought could be trusted was the one who spread it.

It wasn't anyone's fault it was only me to blame.

Everyone said it was God's intention for us to be where we were supposed to be and what happened to you was destined for you but why must it be you? You have been nothing but a great friend for the short time I've known you. I wished it was my side and I wished it was me laying in that bed and not you. I wanted our destinies to be reversed and I was laying in that bed and you were sitting in this exact seat. Unharmed and painless. I wish I could take it all away but I couldn't and the best I could do was just to sit by your side and let you go through the pain that I should have gone through.

I don't think a lifetime of apologies would suffice enough for the pain and trauma you've gone through. I'm so sorry Lysa.